Becoming worthy of a happy Father’s Day

The majority of the 8 Fathers Days directed at me have felt like a sprinkling of salt on an open wound. I’ve not felt that my contribution to my family has been worthy of celebration.

Last December, I sat down with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for the first time, described my experience, and asked for help.

I was doing everything “right” — I was sleeping well, eating well, exercising, and had a stable and fulfilling job. Life hacking had failed me.

In my own mind, it boiled down to my parenting instincts being off. My reactions were beyond my control. I was building up guilt and resentment. I had accepted that I was not a natural parent, and that I was ill equipped to do anything about it. The strain was beginning to take a toll and I felt more and more distance between my family with every Monday morning that came around.

Beneath that surface tension was depression and anxiety. This fragility was perched on top of a sensitivity that amplified everything. I was a pot on the brink of boiling over with the slightest provocation. I wasn’t acknowledging stress, I wasn’t taking care of myself through emotional exhaustion. I was struggling to keep my head above water and was at the mercy of emotions and reactions that were large and scary.

The fact that I was unable to navigate my own emotions meant that I was unavailable to help my kids with theirs.

I’m developing an awareness of the cycles in my state of mind. There are signs. Bursts of euphoria are an indication there’s trouble ahead. Dwelling on minor inconveniences and holding grudges becomes consuming. I get bogged down.

~ excerpt from unpublished blog post, Mothers Day 2018

I don’t want to be like this. Sure I can make excuses, I was tired and distracted, but I also know myself and know that they are just excuses. So, how do i fix my parenting bad attitude?

~ excerpt from unpublished blog post, September 2017

Six months later, and the weekly hour long sessions have delivered steady improvements and some breakthroughs. It’s been both the most transformational and devastating six months of my life. I’ve developed a deeper, empathetic understanding of myself, and learned how the parts of me (such as the need for control) that have made me successful in life, don’t necessarily translate to parenting (lack of control).

We’ve proactively navigated social anxiety and lack of control attending a wedding, and deconstructed camping trips, both good and bad. We’ve excavated bouts of depression in search of triggers and mitigation, and developed a language for describing and talking about my experience that helps my family exist without having to guess what my state of mind is.

While there is still work to do, I’m no longer at boiling point, and I feel able to be present as a father, without mounting guilt, frustration and confusion.

In retrospect

• While parenting was the trigger and the reason I ultimately sought help, the work I’ve done on myself, guided by my LCSW has improved all the relationships in my life, including my marriage and friendships. It’s made me a better human
• I’m really good at disguising my mental health issues. People close to me reacted to my starting therapy with confusion and disbelief. The distance between the outward projection and the inner experience was enormous
• Joking about how hard parenting is and how frustrating kids can be effectively disguise some very real struggles that, in my case, needed addressing. There was a lot of truth in the dark humor I directed at my parenting experience, and in retrospect, a big cry for help.
• There is help available, and that it’s ok to ask for it. I honestly didn’t know what to do because aside from self-help/parenting books and google-searches, nothing seemed to be on offer. Looking through my drafts folder on Medium today was a glimpse into how long this has been an issue and my mounting desperation.
• I’m fortunate to have very few complicating factors —I’m white, male, financially stable, free from major trauma, and surrounded by love and support. I recognize the factors, such as the flexibility of my job, ability to afford therapy sessions, and familial support, that make it easier for me to seek, access and accept help.
• Life hacking and the self-help industry are a poor substitute for professional help and, I’d argue, a dangerous mis-direction of attention and blame.

Future focus

• I will continue to get professional help
• I will do my part to address the stigma associated with mental health — I want to be open about my own journey, and share the stories and experiences of others
• I want to use my privilege and good fortune to provide greater access to mental health services, especially for the most vulnerable folks in our communities— I’m keen to find more initiatives to support, but really like the work of the Trevor Project, Social Works Chicago, and the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation

This Fathers Day feels different. Less guilt, more love. I don’t deserve the “Best Dad in the World” mug yet, but at least I’m getting better.